The One With the Baby Pressure

I cannot express what I exactly feel right now. But all I want to do is to share this grief I have. And in the end, I would need any guidance from people out there who is a Mom or a Mom in a making.

A few weeks from now, a dear friend of mine will give birth to their first baby boy. I have now this sad feeling {let’s say envy} and asking myself on a daily basis why I and hubby don’t have our little Oweini yet. While eating dinner, I asked Sweety one question that made my day {everyday} a disaster. The question was “Are you sad that it’ll be 1 year of marriage and we still don’t have our little Hesham?” – he answered me by saying: “60% I’m asking myself why. Was it me or you that have the setback? But 40% of the answer I know that it’s the will of Allah why up to now we don’t our little Oweini.” —– 60/40? It’s like saying 60% was because of me.

Ewan ko ba. I feel guilty though because part of me is not ready to be a mom but another half is ready. Which is which, I don’t know!

Before getting married was not at all in my plans, I swear. I was happy being single – was involved with someone but never imagined that I will cross that line. So now, being a parent is totally beyond {for now} my responsibilities. Aside from being so stress with work, I’m also {still and I think forever} supporting my parents’ needs. I myself am totally not financially ready. A close friend of mine told me that it’s okay for me to continuously support my parents because in reality my husband will support the needs our baby and mine. Well, that’s true. I never thought of that actually. Haay buhay makulay!

You know, every month I keep on waiting for the girl thing but when it comes I feel bad about it. Coz I know we didn’t succeed again. But you know again, I feel happy. Hay naku ewan ko ba! Ako ata ang may topak eh.

I know in God’s time… Insha-Allah when I’m emotionally ready… Little Oweini will surprise me all of a sudden. For now, I’ll think of it in a positive way and just enjoy our lives together. Marami nga jan ilang years ng kasal wala parin anak diba? We’re both young naman diba? I think I’m just paranoid noh? Hehehe!

Anyway, thanks for staying with me thru this feeling. I appreciate your time reading, hehe! Libangin ko nalang muna sarili para di ko muna isipin ang topic na ‘to.

Have a nice weekend everyone!

~ by Jhari on March 7, 2008.